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Here’s a sentence you probably never thought you’d read: It’s a bad idea to try to eat a live octopus.

If, however, you’re determined to give it a try, make sure you livestream it, so potentially everyone on the planet can watch how it goes.

In a video that’s closing in on two million views on YouTube alone in under a week, an unidentified young Chinese woman demonstrates what happens when you attempt to eat a live octopus, and the octopus says, “No you won’t, either.”

Essentially, it’s about half a minute of the woman crying louder and louder as she pulls octopus tentacles from her lip, her left cheek, her left lower eyelid and her nose, as the suckers do what suckers are designed to do — that is, hang on tight and not let go, stretching the woman’s face like a rubber mask.

The entire time, the woman’s wailing in Chinese.  We don’t speak Chinese, but we imagine she’s saying something to the effect of, “Holy crap, there’s an octopus trying to pull my face off and it really, really hurts.”

Eventually, she manages to free herself.  At which point the wounds left by the serrated tentacles begin to bleed, giving the woman something else to cry about.

According to the Chinese news website Shanghaiist, the woman had complained in previous videos about not being famous.  Apparently, that’s no longer going to be a problem.

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